Job Hunting with Complete Morons

Tangent: The Ubiquitous Apostrophe

2006-11-06T07:05:00.000-08:00

Just a message to those who fancy themselves exotic.

Adding an apostrophe to your name does not make you look more interesting or unique.

Case in point: Er'nest and Na'Tasha. Just because you decided to pronounce it "all fancy like" doesn't mean your names aren't just Ernest or Natasha.

Or the even more frequent practice of adding an apostrophe to the end of your name, like Rhonda' and Joan'.

Please. I beg of you. Not only does this just make you or your parents look pretty dumb, but you are screwing up sql databases everywhere.

Get O'Ver it alrea'dy.

The Best Job Searching Strategy Ever!!

2006-11-01T06:23:00.000-08:00

Let's just say you're applying for a job. This job allows you unfettered access to people's financial data. To even get your application looked at, you must pass a credit and criminal background check. Any aspect of the employment process requires your social security number.

Now let's say you are profoundly stupid and fail the skills test miserably. There is a one year waiting period before you can apply again. (This is because the pre-screen process is expensive to this very large corporation).

Do you:

a. Calmly wait for your next opportunity
b. Do "a" above and think about why you failed, vowing to improve next time.
c. Assume that you can fudge your social security number, fill out all that background check info with the bogus social security number, and try again immediately.

Let's say you're a Job Hunting Moron. You picked C. Dumbass.

You've been caught. You get a fairly innocuous note reminding you of the policies and that your recruiter has been notified.

Do you:

a. Feel embarrassed or ashamed
b. Have an "oh shit" moment and learn from it.
c. Despite what you feel about yourself or the situation, you do not respond, hoping that after a year you have dropped off their radar.
c. Respond to the person paid to verify security breaches such as this claiming complete innocence and put the cherry on top with "Take a chill pill bitch".

The unemployed insulting people doing their job, like the dumb chick above, is very laughable. Let me give you a clue, honey. Folks like the submitter and I don't get mad. We laugh our assess off.

Do YOU honestly think that someone like you, with a complete lack of class, professionalism and common sense even deserves to work with the public? People like you are so inherently stupid and tactless you will forever be stumbling from job to job, being fired for your dishonesty and poor people skills. A plus though, is that you'll get really good at filling out paperwork..............for unemployment benefits.

Edited to add: The husband of applicant sent this loving note: Go fuck yourself in the ass.

Bad Speller or Strikingly Freudian?

2006-10-24T17:31:00.000-07:00

Does it come as any surpise that someone applying for a bank teller position with the handle "BallsOfSteal" would cheat on his prescreen?

Morons Du Jour

2006-10-23T11:12:00.000-07:00

Today I must congratulate an Southeastern would be bank candidate for falsifying her computer date and social security number three times in as many months to apply for a customer service position that only allows you to apply once per year. It's staggering to believe it doesn't even occur to these dolts that perhaps a national bank might check into their testing records.

But this is nothing compared to "tOnsOfFun420", who actually used that email addy on their resume and official communications with another bank.

Way to go, dildoes. Way to go.

Oh, let's hire these winners!

2006-10-12T16:08:00.000-07:00

This JHM writes in the following when applying for a bank job online

I keep getting pop ups with internet explorer. This is why I never use internet explorer. My default browser is mozilla firefox. How can I stop getting pop ups?

Uhm...are you really this helpless? You complain and assume we--the people considering GIVING YOU A JOB, should kindly tell you how to block pop up ads. I am holding up a finger. You have four chances to guess the correct one. Take your time, dear.

And that brings us to this one. This one is seeking a career in law enforcement. I guess donut eating doesn't require a whole lot of computer literacy.

i noticed that you have to cut and paste your login and password. I don't know how to do this. Could you give me a quick tutorial? Thanks

This one doesn't seem rude, but still!

Oh jeesh.

Completely Moronic Job Hunter's Hall of Shame

2006-10-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

Wow...you guys keep lists?!? I would like to thank a handful of sources for sending me your submissions listing wholly inappropriate email addresses used by people to apply for jobs. There were literally HUNDREDS of them. At one point I just had to stop reading them.

I have selected several for honorable mention here. I cannot believe how many people attach the numbers 420, 69 and 666 to their email addresses. Even more so for the "sexy" and "pimp" combinations. If I were to include all the submission, this blog entry would be pages upon pages in length.

What's most disturbing is what this says about the state of our society. Today's young JHM lacks any sense of what is appropriate, and doesn't have the slightest clue about how the world works. A painful irony is that many of the addresses came from free email providers. Meaning the job applicants knew hot to go and set up a free account. (The other half were AOL users, and well, you know how dumb they can be) *Sigh* What a world!

What I found to be the greatest thing learned was the demographic info included with some of these. I assumed most of these would be dumb burnout Jeff Spicoli types, boy am I wrong! Since employers collect this information, some of it was sent in with the lists. I am told that the overwhelming majority of these addresses belong to women, including my two very favorites, spunkmonkey and sexygash. Women of all ethnicities made up practically all the sexy handles. Women of African American descent preferred 69, while caucasian women were responsible for the overwhelming majority of the 420 references. You'd think men would make up most of the pimp nicknames, but they were at about 50% (lucky_bepimpinthemhoes was is alleged to be a female applicant).

I figured it safest to not reprint the whole email address, just what's west o' the @.

Note to Job Hunters: If your email address could easily appear on this page, perhaps you should engage your gray matter and get another email address!

millerbtch420
KRIS69_420
spunkkmonkey420
buzz1420
sxyshrty420
highview420
Lunacyfringe420
spoil420princezz
kornturtle420
Roxybizzzich420
chronicflip420
shorty_hot6969
lucky69er
bettyboo_hot_69
Wet4Dreams6917
Ndesipimp69
cutiemom6951
hogfever6969
red69dimples
PIMPET1169
malibubarbi69
x69mustangchickx
lildevil_69
sweetspus69
playboybuddie069
msthang69
guysluck69
LATINLOVER69
exotictemptress69
dominisexy69
badandblonde69
goddessgood69
pimpalalicious84
big_pimpn_003
pimpedoutmiss1313
Lucky_bepimpinthemhoes
nastypimpin187
sexy_slim34
sexytigeress82
sexybrownmickey
jsexybtclazy
monkeysexpress
mightymousex42x
sexygash
SexyCaramel

Gold Medalist in Stupidity

2006-09-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

How long does it take to register with Yahoo or Hotmail for an inoccuous email address.

Whenever a job seeker contacts me from a silly email address, I reply "Dear (email address) instead of their name to point out what a complete idiot they are.

In the last 12 months, I've seen email addresses that contain the following:

420, ganja, hooka, bongmaster.
sexybitch, sexy and single, sexxxx
"69" in spades
pimp
"bustacapinyouass"

What I want to know is why? Do you think it doesn't matter? Are you just so dumb it didn't occur to you? Are you trying to stay on welfare or unemployment forever?

And the Oscar goes to.........someone else.

2006-09-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

Now, how is it this bright, literate and honest gal isn't to be believed?

> Comment: Hi my name is (JOB HUNTING MORON) I had numerous problems
>with the (Application Screening). To the point that I had to use a
>dummy identity to respond to tech support and address my problem. The
>system booted me out which I was not able to pass the test, complete the
>test correctly and website keep telling me that I have to wait next year. I
>am really upset, I tried to take the test Friday night Sep 08, 2006 and try
>to contact Tech Support and click on the button for help that was on the
>page for the test and training site for the problem I was experiencing on
>the website. While I was continuing to take the test I couldn't get through
>for any help on the site. The next time I tried to log into the system it
>is telling me that I can't get in and have to wait till next year. First
>problem that I experienced while taking the test the pages kept redirecting
>me into the next page by itself. Then there were many glitches on the site
>that I was try! ing to complete. When I try to enter the correct answer to
>a problem the site would redirect me to the next problem without answering
>it correctly. When I try to click on to next page at times the NO PAGE
>COULD BE DISPLAYED would come up many times and had to click back, forward,
>and the refresh buttons to try to continue on with the test. Then when I
>decided to just get off the site of testing then page kept proceeding to
>the last page telling me to wait be patient as it was processing and it
>came up as booting me off and that I have to wait till next year. So please
>Tech Support I need to take the test and fix these issues because when I
>enter my social and password it has booted me out. Therefore I completed
>another test using a different dummy identity (Nicole Smith) and passed the
>test, with none of the problems that were associated with the first time I
>took the test under my social. So what are my options, what can I do, or
>what can Tech Support do for me to resolv! e this issue?

Wow. Well, since these new fangled computer products can record everything you do, everything you type, how long your system takes to respond, the person on the receiving end of this message had a good laugh and said "Sorry, you're SOL Babe. Oh, and you cheated by re-entering under a different name". Note certain details of her story......the saga continues below.

> Let me just address this issue in simpler terms,
>
> I HAD MANY PROBLEMS WITH THE SITE WHEN I WAS TRYING TO TAKE THE TEST
>UNDER
> MY SOCIAL, I WAS TRYING TO ALSO CLICK ON HELP FOR THE ISSUES WITH THE
>SITE
> BUT COULDNT GET THROUGH BECAUSE AT THE TIME THE SITE WAS ACTING UP AND
> COMING UP WITH ALOT OF ERRORS. ALSO I READ THAT TECH SUPPORT IS
>AVAILABLE
> MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY PACIFIC TIME, WHICH AT THE TIME I WAS TRYING TO
>TAKE
> THE TEST, TECH WASNT AVAILABLE ACCORDING TO THE TIME LISTED. I HAD
>PROBLEMS
> WITH SITE TO THE POINT IT BOOTED ME OFF AND I AM NOT ABLE TO GO BACK AND
> CONTACT TECH SUPPORT UNDER MY SOCIAL AND SECRET PASSWORD. SO BASICALLY I
>HAD
> TO CREATED A DUMMY IDENTITY WHICH WAS NICOLE SMITH TO GET THE ISSUE THAT
>I,
> (A Complete Moron) HAD WHILE TAKING THE TEST AND THAT I WASNT ABLE TO GET
>BACK
> IN UNDER MY LOG IN WHICH WAS MY SOCIAL AND PASSWORD, UNDER MY NAME.
>
> NO WHERE I EVER SAID THAT NICOLE SMITH CONTACTED YOU (TECH SUPPORT), I
>AM
> THE PERSON THAT HAD TO MAKE UP THAT DUMMY IDENTITY(NICOLE SMITH), IN
>ORDER
> TO SEND MY ISSUE WITH THE TEST ONLINE TO TECH SUPPORT.
> BASICALLY IT IS SIMPLE, I HAD MAJOR ISSUES WITH THE SITE AT THE TIME I
>WAS
> TRYING TO TAKE MY TEST CORRECTLY AND IT CAUSED ME TO NOT PASS THE TEST
> CORRECTLY, BE BOOTED OFF THE TESTING ASSESSMENT, AND IF YOU CAN NOT HELP
> THEN CAN YOU GIVE ME A NUMBER TO THE HUMAN RESOURCE DEPARTMENT TO
>ADDRESS
> THEM OVER THE PHONE AND ACTUALLY SPEAK TO SOMEONE WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ME
>AND
> MY SITUATION WITH THE ONLINE TEST ?!

Okay, did you find at least one mind-blowing self contradictory statement in this jibberish?

At this point the JHM was told that she never contacted support, the problems described didn't exist, and if her recruiter gave a rat's ass, they'd call her.

Cau u just please somehow atleast give me human resource email address if
you can not give me atleast an number to reach them?! For some reason you
are definetly not a help to the situation at all! I just want to someone
else besides typing here and keep chatting back and forth with you. I want
to contact human resource directly, obviously to you this is not a tech
problem to your behalf so let me speak to another department.

And then this was sent in to another source.

To (Moronic company that let me retest a third time) I had Technical difficul

ties in taking the Position T

est online. I email tech support and

lady wasnt much help. Please can u

direct me to Human Resource or the r

ight person?

Discuss.

Cheating on pre-employment tests: Just How Stupid Are You?

2006-09-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

I see this all the time personally, and hear about it from hiring managers and HR folks constantly.

Just what the hell are you thinking when you cheat on a pre-employment test?!??! Clearly you're not. Why is it only dumb people fancy themselves clever enough to get away with this?

What is it that these Job Hunting Morons are doing? Well, they.....

Turn around and retake a pre-screen that they are told is monitored for security and only one test per certain period of time is allowed. Most of these tests say that you will be disqualified for employment if caught repeating.
Use a fake name to "warm up", then pass with a ridiculously inflated score in an inconceivable amount of time. Never mind that a lot of these tests record your system information, install cookies or track your IP address.
After they get caught cheating, they think if they re-apply after the time period is over, they have a chance of being hired. This is especially laughable for applicants applying at banks and mortgage companies. Future identity thieves of America, eh?
Make up unplausable and improbable stories to try and get another chance. (Perhaps we'll list them in the future or post examples that are sent in later)Do you NOT think that the computer records more than just a score, you dumbass? The tests I work with can tell me the millisecond you backspaced to correct your typing. To the ones who get mad and complain, believe me, this DOES get recorded in your employment application records. You will be mocked, and you won't be hired---even if they do let you test again.
They use middle names, mis-spell names by "accident" to try and avoid detection. Comical.

My nine year old scores better than some of these people do........on their second try. That's scary.

Look, if you're smart enough to cheat and avoid detection, you're probably actually qualified enough to fake your way through the interview and into the position. But you've got to do better than the above example. In my personal experience for one company, I see maybe ten of these a week! Hot Latina has tighter security at the entrance to avoid those double-testers, but she sees the same approximate number of whiners and liars each week.

Morons aplenty, folks.

Spoiled Little Rich Boy Whines, Film at 11.

2006-09-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

A "FieryLatina" who works in Human Resources for a financial institution sends in this little doozy.

As you know, you can apply for just about any job online these days. Sometimes these systems are browser or operating system specific for varying reasons. I'm told that if one doesn't have a compatible system, they are invited into branch offices to apply, or they can go to libraries.

What galls me about this particular submission is the whole entitlement syndrome going on here. It seems that people think that companies should fall over themselves trying to give you a job. The notion of competition and having something to offer an employer is completely lost on a good number of people.

Let's hand it over to Fiery Latina now:

Our hiring page says in giant lettering that you have to be using Windows and IE to continue. But he thinks with his expensive Mac system he should be immune. This candidate does not realize that we are inundated with applications. If you are complaining and behaving like this now, why would we trust you to our customers or want to put up with you? GET REAL!

Hello, I am using the latest 17-inch Apple MacBook Pro with Intel 2.16 GHz Core Duo with 2 GB of DDR2 667MHz RAM and all the options, running Mac OS 10.4.7 and latest version of Safari which is capable to run all that IE 7.0 can run, yet it does not allow me to apply, I have the sufficient hardware and believe have the sufficient OS and browser, can something be done concerning this?

Fiery Latina responds to the JHM that he should apply using a compatible system.

I just find that to be very cumbersome and
inconvenient that a valid choice is not given, not
even in browser choice; clearly Microsoft and its
monopoly is being favored. I think this is wrong
considering that the many Mac users and the fact that
Safari can handle all the scripting that Internet
Explorer can and then some. Oh well, I guess I have no
choice, but to travel the ~50 miles to go to the
nearest library and wait in line to use the Internet
terminal. I hope this email will not affect my
employment opportunities with (deleted).

Somebody get this baby a binky! Are we to understand that you live 50 miles from a public library but can somehow commute to this job?!?! You're right, it's all a conspiracy, Microsoft is part of the Illuminati and this company's a part of the whole world takeover scheme.

Lord forbid you simply take the initiative to apply for this job. Instead you whine and complain.

My advice for this job seeker: You should find a job with a very powerful labor union that likes to strike over every little thing. Have you considered working for the government, maybe in Driver's Licensing? Perhaps a big Worker's Comp settlement will be the winning lottery in your career future!

He puts the "A" in TEAM.

2006-09-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

This comes in from our pal who sells study guides for would be fire fighters.

Some background: Lots of people want to be firefighters. Our source tells us many applicants are obsessed with this pursuit and spend hundreds if not thousands per year on study materials for these tests. They also travel all over the country to apply for a handful of positions.

Most of these people are very "macho". Hey, I respect that, it takes a fair amount of testicular fortitude (even among women) to run into a burning building. However, not all tough men and women are complete assholes. As a matter of fact, fire departments go to a great deal of trouble to screen out assholes. Working under very stressful, life threatening conditions requires excellent teamwork. Sadly, the Job Hunting Moron, or JHM below will not be passing the human relations portions of any fire department test soon.

(As is our policy, information that identifies the submitter or JHM has been changed and/or deleted)

From Study Guide Source: The email exchange began when this person claimed they didn't get their log in information. Because they sent the request from an email account other than the address given when the order was placed, I requested--for their own protection--they contact me using the address used in the order, and be sure to check that account for the info. Duhh, that's where the order form said it would be sent! Who isn't worried about online security these days?!?! Can I also point out that this person was too dim to find the contact form on our site and this came from the webmaster? His card wasn't charged twice, and he found the log in information because I pointed out he checked the wrong email!

----- Original Message -----
From: JHM in the Southwest
To: Anonymous Study Guide Source in the Midwest

i hav e two email accouints. now for security purposes...does this satisfy my request to get some help!? also you charged my account twice ! fix it immediately! i only purchased one (product). i suggest you fix this issue immediately..and for now on.. contact me at (deleted)

this account is ov erwhelmed with junkmail. so i ask you again! FOR SECURITY PURPOSE. EMAIL ME AT (deleted)

i do not have the time to BEG. but for further communication. email me at the requested address. PLEASE !! ive found my info but i want my credit card account fixed. you charged me TWICE. SO FIX IT

Hmmm, where to start on this one? How about with narcissistic injury? Clearly, when by pointing out the obvious and having them check their other email account, this set the guy's temper afire. Instead of admitting to a stupid mistake, which honestly, anyone is capable of, they became hostile and responded aggressively to the contact person.

The grammar and spelling here (and look, I'm not a stellar example myself) is indicative of one of the following: someone fairly illiterate; someone who cares so little they don't even try; someone under the influence of at the very least, copious amounts of booze. No matter how you slice it, this is not someone who should be pulling you out of your car with the jaws of life, or sent in to rescue your kids from a burning building! This person isn't someone I'd trust to answer the telephone at my business!

My career advice for this JHM: You are probably too angry a type to say "Would you like fries with that?". The exciting world of rent-a-cop style unarmed, graveyard shift security is a possible direction for you. If you are fond of exotic locations, perhaps you can put your grammer skills to use and consider gainful employment as a spammer or even a Nigerian scammer!

Welcome to Job Hunting with Complete Morons

2006-09-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

After sharing these stories among a circle of acquaintances, I decided it was time to share them with the world. Perhaps some person with less than stellar human relations skills might stumble upon this blog and learn something. Perhaps others will be comforted to know that their intellect, skills and attitude are so much better than the "Morons" featured here.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy tales related to people aspiring to one day trick someone into hiring them.